NEW!
(08/12/03)
Give Me Courage
“Johnny?”
“Yeah, Roy?”
“What are you doing?”
“Just sitting here.”
“Why aren’t you getting ready for work? The shift starts in ten minutes.”
“I’m trying to work up my courage.”
“Courage to do what?”
“Talk to Cap.”
“Talk to Cap about what?”
“You remember that we got padlocks for our lockers on our last shift?”
“Yeah, what about it?”
“And do you remember the little cards Cap gave us with the combinations on
them?”
“Don’t tell me, you lost your card.”
“No, I didn’t lose it.”
“Did you forget it at home?”
“No, I didn’t forget it at home.”
“Do you know where it is?”
“I know exactly where it is.”
“Don’t keep me in suspense any longer. Where is it?”
“I can’t believe I did this to myself.”
“Did what? Where’s your card?”
“I’m never gonna live this down. Chet’s gonna have a field day.”
“Johnny, for the last time, where is your card?”
“Well, I wanted to make sure I didn’t forget it at home.”
“And . . .”
“And I wanted to make sure it was in a safe place so it wouldn’t get lost.”
“Don’t tell me.”
“I thought you wanted me to tell you.”
“Okay, then go ahead and tell me.”
“The card is in my locker, and my locker is locked.”
Author’s note: This little story was inspired by my daughter’s first day of
school.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
NEW!
(08/06/03)
Foiling the Phantom
“I’m tired of being the target of all these pranks. I’ve got to do
something about it before I go crazy.”
“Will you get mad at me if I’m honest with you?”
“I’ll try not to be. If you can help me, I’ll be eternally grateful.”
“I’ve got to tell you, Johnny, you bring a lot of this on yourself.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“There you go, getting mad. Do you want my help or not?”
“Yeah, I do. Sorry about that. Go on.”
“If you’d use your head, you could avoid a lot of these problems.”
“What would you suggest, Roy?”
“All you have to do is stand on the side of your locker when you open the door,
instead of standing in front of it.”
“Like this?”
“Yes.”
“Hey, it worked. That water bomb didn’t hit me.”
“See what I mean?”
“Hey, yeah. That would work for the cupboards in the kitchen, too. Well, what
about buckets of water over the doorways? How do I avoid those?”
“If it was me, I’d make sure I always followed someone else into a room. Failing
that, I’d go through a different door than I would normally use.”
“Like going through the back door instead of the door between the equipment bay
and the kitchen?”
“Yeah, like that.”
“That could take a lot of extra time.”
“Just think of how much time you’d save by not having to change into a dry
uniform.”
“Good point. I have just one more question.”
“What’s that?”
“If the water bombs and shaving cream pies don’t hit me and end up on the floor,
who’s supposed to clean up the mess?”
“Well, Junior, you’re gonna have to take that up with Cap.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Nobody’s Business
“This was a really good idea you had, Johnny. Everyone had a great time.”
“Thanks, Roy. I figured a barbeque with some horse riding thrown in was just the
ticket to get everyone’s minds off the job.”
“And you were right. With the shifts we’ve had lately, everyone needed some
downtime to help them unwind.”
“Did you get a load of Dixie and Brackett and the horses they were riding?”
“Yeah. I think they had a lot of fun.”
“They sure did. I think they make a perfect pair. I think they’d really be happy
together.”
“You think so?”
“Sure, they get along great.”
“They seem to, I guess.”
“Trust me. I know what I’m talkin’ about. We need to keep an eye on those two.
I’d say within a year there may be some interesting developments.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I just think they may get together and create something beautiful.”
“Well, that’s really nobody’s business but their own.”
“Why do you say that? She’s a hot looking filly; he’s a nice looking stud. What
could be more perfect?”
“Johnny, I can’t believe you just referred to her as a filly. That’s really
rude. I just hope she didn’t hear you.”
“Who cares if she heard me?”
“I just don’t think she’d appreciated being referred to as a filly.”
“Why not? She’s a female horse, hence the term filly. What did you think I was
talking about?”
“You mean you were talking about the horses?”
“You thought I was talking about Dixie and Brackett? What kind of a guy do you
think I am anyway?”
“Well, the way it sounded . . .”
“Man, Roy, you need to get your mind out of the gutter.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Let’s Eat
“Whoa there, Johnny. Sit down here. What’s the matter?”
“Take it easy, Roy. I just got a little lightheaded, that’s all.”
“What brought that on?”
“If I had to make an educated guess, I’d say it’s because I haven’t eaten
anything since yesterday morning. I probably have low blood sugar.”
“How did that happen?”
“I thought you were smarter than that, Roy. Who around here is always making my
life miserable?”
“I know I saw you sitting down to eat when I went to get a shower after that run
we had last night.”
“Well, after I took the valuable time to heat up the leftovers, the entire
shaker of salt spilled on my food.”
“Chet did that?”
“Who else?”
“Surely, you had a chance to eat besides that.”
“No, I didn’t, but it wasn’t for lack of trying. After I got a new plate fixed
and sat down to eat, we got toned out again.”
“We did get a lot of runs yesterday.”
“Tell me about it. Every time I tried to eat, it was ruined one way or another
by ‘The Phantom’, or we got toned out before I could eat a bite.”
“What else did he do?”
“Well, besides the ‘ole loosen the salt shaker lid trick’, I think he put an
entire packet of chili powder in my spaghetti. Dang near choked to death.”
“You had to have had time to eat after that. We had the spaghetti for lunch.”
“Well, while you were getting your sandwich when we got back from the hospital,
I had to go get cleaned up, which was another waste of valuable time by the
way.”
“Why was it a waste of time?”
“I took a clean uniform in with me when I went to get a shower. After I got
dressed, I came back to the locker room. When I opened my locker to get my dry
shoes, I got hit with a water bomb. By the time I got changed again, we were
toned out, and I missed out on eating yet another meal.”
“Maybe you should talk to Cap about this. Chet really shouldn’t be messing with
your food. Look at what just happened. If that had happened while we were on a
run, somebody might have gotten hurt.”
“I hear ya there. I’m runnin’ on fumes. I think the only thing that entered my
stomach yesterday was the few sips of coffee I managed at the hospital.”
“Let’s get you something to eat right now before you really keel over.”
“I don’t think I have the strength to make it to the kitchen.”
“If you start to fall, I’ll help you.”
“You know something, Roy?”
“What’s that?”
“If Morton or any of the other doctors at Rampart start in on me about being too
thin, I’m gonna give ‘em Chet’s phone number and let them take it up with him.”
“I know what we should do.”
“What?”
“Maybe we should mess with Chet’s food like he messes with your’s.”
“That’s a good idea, Roy. I don’t think he’d have a problem with low blood sugar
like I would, and at the rate he’s been gaining weight, it wouldn’t hurt him to
miss a meal or two anyway.”
“That’s kind of a cruel remark, even for you.”
“What can I say? I get cranky when I’m half starved.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The Records
“Johnny, what are you so down in the dumps about?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you, Roy.”
“I don’t know about that. Where you’re concerned, I could believe about
anything.”
“Ha, ha, very funny.”
“Come on, I was just kidding. What’s on your mind?”
“Well, it’s like this. I haven’t been hurt on the job for over a year, and Dr.
Brackett suggested that since he hasn’t had to examine me in that amount of
time, that I should get a complete physical.”
“What’s wrong with that?”
“Just give me a minute. I’m not finished yet.”
“Okay, go on.”
“Brackett also said that it really wasn’t a good idea for me to get all my
medical care in the emergency room either, so I should find a family doctor of
my own.”
“I can see his point.”
“So, I found a family doctor that a friend of mine recommended, and I have an
appointment next week.”
“What’s the big deal about that?”
“They want a copy of all my medical records, Roy.”
“That shouldn’t be any problem. Just go to the hospital, sign a release, and
they’ll send your records to the doctor’s office.”
“It’s not as simple as that.”
“Why not?”
“The hospital has a new policy. They now charge five cents a page to copy and
send your records anywhere.”
“Five cents a page isn’t that much. How much could it be anyway?”
“How much could it be?! Do you know how many times I’ve been in the hospital for
injuries and illnesses, not to mention all the times I was just treated in the
emergency room and released.”
“Now that I think about it, I guess you have been a guest at Rampart more times
than I can count.”
“That’s my point exactly. I didn’t realize how many reports and forms that were
accumulated for every stay. There’s the history and physical, consultations, and
discharge summary. That doesn’t even count all the lab and x-ray reports, the
doctor’s progress notes and orders, and the nurse’s notes.”
“I guess all that would add up.”
“You bet it adds up.”
“So how much would it cost you to have the records sent to your new doctor?”
“About $125.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me!”
“I’m not kidding.”
“But that’s about 2,500 pages.”
“That’s right.”
“That’s unbelievable.”
“That’s what I thought. I can’t afford to pay that much. I’m gonna have to save
up or set up a payment plan or something.”
“I have an idea.”
“What’s that?”
“Maybe you could just send them the last couple of years’ worth.”
“I have an even better idea.”
“What’s that?”
“I should just send the last year’s worth. Since I haven’t been injured in that
amount of time, it wouldn’t cost me a dime.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Look at That
“Would you look at that?”
“Look at what?”
“I’ve never seen anything like it before.”
“Like what?”
“Didn’t you see that, Roy? It was incredible!”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Are you blind?”
“No, Johnny, I’m not blind.”
“You would have to be blind not to have seen that.”
“Seen what?”
“I think you need glasses.”
“I don’t need glasses.”
“How long has it been since you’ve had your eyes checked?”
“I don’t need glasses! What are you talking about?”
“They say sight is the next thing to go after the hair.”
“There’s nothing wrong with my hair, or my sight!”
“Ooh, sensitive are we?”
“I am not sensitive. What were you talking about?”
“Huh?”
“What was it that you saw that was so incredible?”
“Oh, that.”
“Yeah, that.”
“It was nothing.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Slip of the Tongue
“Johnny, I can’t believe you just said that!”
“Well, Roy, I didn’t mean to say it. It just sort of . . . slipped out.”
“I still don’t believe I heard those words coming out of your mouth.”
“If you had the kind of day that I’ve had, you would have been letting some
choice phrases fly too.”
“That wasn’t just any choice phrase.”
“I know that. I just wasn’t thinking straight. Maybe I should blame it on that
head injury I had last week.”
“Somehow, I don’t think that’s gonna work.”
“You’re probably right. They’ll never buy it.”
“Besides, you said it in front of all the guys; in front of Chet.”
“It’s all Chet’s fault that I said it anyway.”
“I guess I can see where you’re coming from, but . . .”
“But, what?”
“Well, we’re firefighters and paramedics. We should show more maturity than
that.”
“Oh, and I suppose it’s real mature of Chet to set all those booby traps for
me.”
“No, it’s not. But, still . . .”
“Besides, it’s not like I can un-say it anyway.”
“You’re right about that, but you really shouldn’t have said something like that
in front of anyone, especially Chet.”
“What’s done is done, and it’s too late to do anything about it now. I guess
I’ll just have to take my lumps.”
“It’ll be more than lumps you’ll be taking once this sinks in.”
“I know, Roy. It’ll be water bombs, flour bombs, pies in my face, eggs in my
boots . . .”
“All that, and more. I have a very bad feeling that this could get really ugly.”
“It’s already really ugly. I can’t even turn around without . . . CHET!!!”
“See, it’s starting already.”
“Roy, I said it before, and I’ll say it again. I want my mommy.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
THE CALL
RING, RING
“Hello?”
“Hey, Roy.”
“Johnny, where are you? You were supposed to be here over an hour ago.”
“Um, I’m ah . . .”
“Well?”
“I’m at Rampart.”
“Again? Don’t you get enough of that place when we’re working? This is supposed
to be our day off.”
“I know that. It’s sort of complicated.”
“What happened this time?”
“Well, it’s like this . . .”
“Like what?”
“Um . . .”
“Just spit it out already.”
“Well, you know somebody’s been putting dirt in my gas tank.”
“Yeah, what about it?”
“I saw some kid doing it today and ran him off.”
“Why would that land you in Rampart?”
“Ah, um . . .”
“What did you do?”
“After I ran the kid off, I decided to try and get some of the dirt out of the
gas tank myself.”
“And . . . ?”
“I was just trying to save myself some money, you know, trying to avoid getting
my gas tank cleaned out at the shop. You know how much that costs?”
“At the risk of repeating myself, what did you do?”
“I put my finger in the opening of the gas tank to try to get the dirt out.”
“Go on.”
“And my finger got stuck.”
“Stuck?”
“This is so embarrassing.”
“Well, I’m gonna find out sooner or later, so you might as well tell me now.”
“I couldn’t get my finger out, and my neighbor had to call a squad.”
“I guess that would be embarrassing.”
“Tell me about it. On top of that, an engine responded with the squad. They got
my finger out, but now it’s broken.”
“I guess cleaning out my eaves is out for you today, huh?”
“I guess so.”
“So how much money did you save by trying to clean the dirt out of the gas tank
yourself? Now you have to take your car to the shop anyway, and you have a
hospital bill on top of that.”
“Don’t remind me. But that isn’t the worst thing that happened.”
“What could be worse than that?”
“Brice was one of the paramedics who answered the call.”
“That was really a stroke of bad luck.”
“No kidding. To make matters even worse, Chet was subbing on the engine.”
“Oh, no.”
“Oh, yes.”
“You know, I might just have to join Chet in harassing you about this one.”
“Thanks a lot, Roy.”
“You gotta admit, this is way out, even for you. I don’t think anybody is gonna
let you live this down.”
“You know, Roy, it’s times like this that show you who your real friends are.”
“Just look at the bright side.”
“There’s a bright side?”
“Sure, they could have left you there, and you’d still be standing there with
your finger stuck in the gas tank.”
“Ha, ha, ha. You’re a laugh a minute.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A Little to the Left
“A little to the left.”
“How’s that?”
“A little more to the left.”
“Is that good?”
“A little to the right.”
“How about this?”
“A little more to the right.”
“Roy, I’m getting a little tired of this.”
“But it has to be perfect.”
“It’s in the same place that it started out in.”
“Well, Johnny, if you don’t want to help, just say so.”
“That isn’t what I mean.”
“Then what do you mean?”
“Never mind. Is this all right?”
“Just about. Move it little to the left.”
“Give me the hammer!”
“What for?”
“I’m gonna hang this thing right here. Give it to me now!”
“Oh, all right. Here it is.”
“There. How’s that look?”
“I think it’s a little loose.”
“You’re just saying that cause you want me to move it again.”
“No, really. It’s . . .”
“OUCH! My head!”
“I told you it was a little loose.”
“Roy, I’m never helping you hang a horseshoe again. I thought they were supposed
to bring good luck.”
“I guess for you, horseshoes just bring stitches.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The Easter Turtle
“Roy, do you remember the story about the
tortoise and the hare?”
“Yeah, what about it?”
“And a hare is really a rabbit, or in other words a bunny.”
“I guess I can agree with that.”
“Well, I was just thinking . . .”
“Now, that’s a scary thought.”
“Ha, ha. Sometimes, I think you’re related to Chet.”
“I know I’m gonna regret asking, but what were you thinking?”
“You know how everyone thought the hare was gonna win the race, because
everybody knows that rabbits are faster than turtles?”
“Where are you going with all this?”
“If you’ll give me a minute, I’ll tell you.”
“I’m listening.”
“You are so impatient sometimes.”
“I’m not that impatient.”
“You have everybody fooled with your calm easygoing manner, don’t you?”
“I only get that way around you. Now will you tell me what you want to tell me?”
“All right already. Dang, try to express an opinion around here, and get your
head bit off.”
“Out with it.”
“Okay, okay. You know how the rabbit goofed around, so sure he was gonna win,
and then he ended up losing the race?”
“Uh huh.”
“I was just wondering why there’s an Easter Bunny and not an Easter Turtle.”
“That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve every heard.”
“Why’s that?”
“Well, just because.”
“It seems to me that the turtle is more reliable than the bunny. If the bunny is
just gonna goof around and not get the job done of bringing Easter eggs to the
kids, then he shouldn’t get the job as the Easter Bunny.”
“Where do you come up with these ideas?”
“It’s only logical, Roy.”
“What’s so logical about an Easter Turtle?”
“There probably wasn’t anything logical about an Easter Bunny at first. I wonder
who came up with that anyway?”
“Johnny?”
“What?”
“Don’t bring up the idea of an Easter Turtle in front of my kids.”
“Why not?”
“I’m sure you don’t want to spend the next week hunting through the stores for a
chocolate Easter Turtle.”
“You’re right. Forget I even brought it up.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Time for a Change
“Johnny, she’s let you down one too many times. You really should move on.”
“But, Roy, you know what she means to me.”
“I know she means a lot to you, but it’s time for a change.”
“I don’t think I can do that to her. I love her too much.”
“Didn’t she leave you stranded on the highway?”
“Well, yeah, but I can’t just dump her.”
“And didn’t she let you down when you went camping?”
“Yeah, she did, but . . .”
“I had to bail you out of that one.”
“I know you did.”
“She abandoned you when you needed to get to work, and then you were late.”
“She couldn’t help it. It really wasn’t her fault.”
“Johnny, she’s costing you too much money. You can’t afford it.”
“Well, maybe I will have to move on to something new, but I’ll tell you what,
Roy . . .”
“What’s that?”
“I’m gonna get another Land Rover exactly like the one I have now.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
LATE AGAIN
“Gage! My office now!”
“Coming, Cap.”
“What do you have to say for yourself?”
“Cap, I can explain.”
“I’m waiting.”
“Well, first my power went out, so my alarm didn’t go off this morning.”
“If you’d go to bed early enough, that wouldn’t have been a problem.”
“That isn’t the only thing.”
“Go on.”
“I cut myself shaving, and had a heck of a time getting the bleeding to stop.”
“That explains the Band-Aid on your chin.”
“Then I slammed my finger in the door of the Rover.”
“I guess that explains the splint on your finger.”
“And then I got a flat tire on my way to work.”
“Is that all?”
“Well, then I had to stop at the cleaners to pick up my uniforms, and there was
a donut shop next door to the cleaners, so I picked up some donuts for the
guys.”
“I have to admit, the donuts were a good idea.”
“I also had to stop at the drug store to get the stuff to fix up my finger. Then
I got stuck in a traffic jam.”
“Sounds to me like all that stuff should have took about three hours. Why were
you only 15 minutes late?”
“I left home two hours before I needed to be here.”
“Unbelievable.”
“Hey, Cap?”
“What is it now?”
“If all the stuff that happened should have took three hours, and I got here at
8:15, then technically I’m 45 minutes early.”
“Go clean the latrine, you twit!”
“Yes, sir.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The Date
"Never again, Roy!"
"It couldn’t have been that bad, Johnny."
"Were you there?"
"Well, no."
"Then how do you know it couldn’t have been that bad?"
"What was so bad about it?"
"Just the entire evening."
"I thought you said she was pretty."
"Pretty doesn’t make up for it."
"What did she do that was so terrible?"
"First of all, as soon as we got to the table, before we even sat down, she
threw salt over her shoulder."
"What’s wrong with that?"
"I was standing behind her at the time."
"Oh."
"And all she talked about through dinner was herself."
"I forgot she did that all the time."
"Then she blew her nose while we were eating."
"I guess that is kind of . . ."
"Then after we were done eating, she picked her teeth with a fork."
"I can see where you’d . . ."
"And on top of all that, she hates bowling!"
"Come on."
"I’m telling you, Roy, never again will I go out with one of your wife’s
cousins."
* * *
"Chet, where did you come from?"
"I came in a while ago and you didn’t see me."
"Did you see where Johnny went?"
"He’s out in the equipment bay."
"What’s that noise I hear?"
"I think that’s Johnny banging his head on the squad. Listen, I couldn’t help
but overhear your conversation."
"What about it?"
"I was just wondering about your wife’s cousin."
"What about her?"
"Can I have her phone number?"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The Tattoo
“What’s that?”
“What’s what?”
“What is that?”
“Oh, that.”
“Yeah, that.”
“It’s a tattoo.”
“A tattoo?”
“Yeah, a tattoo. What’s wrong with a tattoo?”
“I guess there’s nothing wrong with a tattoo, it’s just . . .”
“Just what?”
“Come on, Johnny, it’s a teddy bear.”
“It is not a teddy bear.”
“It sure looks like a teddy bear.”
“Well, it’s not.”
“Then what is it?”
“It’s Smokey the Bear.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The Problem
“What’s your problem?”
“I don’t have a problem.”
“I know you have a problem, so just tell me about it.”
“How can I tell you about something I don’t have.”
“I can tell that you have a problem.”
“How can you tell that?”
“Well, you just look like you have a problem.”
“I look like I have a problem?”
“Yeah, you do.”
“Okay, I’ll tell you what my problem is.”
“What is it already?”
“You really want to know what it is?”
“I really do.”
“My problem is that everybody always thinks I have a problem!”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The Idea
“So, what do you think?”
“Think about what?”
“About my idea?”
“What idea?”
“What have I been talking about the past ten minutes?”
“I don’t know. I guess I wasn’t listening.”
“I guess you weren’t.”
“Well, what’s your idea?”
“You’d know if you were listening.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t listening. Tell me your idea.”
“I don’t think I want to now.”
“Why not?”
“Nobody ever listens to me. You never listen to me.”
“I said I was sorry.”
“You should be.”
“I am.”
“Well, okay. So, what do you think?”
“Think about what?”